Insights • Inspirations • Destinations • Design

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Lost Art of Being Nice


Do you ever stop and wonder if graciousness and kindness and good manners have fallen by the twenty-twelve wayside? Do you ever hear about Internet trolls, or bloggers who bitch behind people's backs, or women who aren't kind to other women and think: What must they be like? (I always wonder if they're unhappy and unfulfilled. Happy, content people don't enrol in the Troll School of Terrible Behaviour.) And do you ever find yourself losing your own manners, and thinking: Oh no, the modern world's is getting to me too!

I have. Until earlier this year, that is. Earlier this year I said: Enough is enough.

The catalyst for this was a B&B I stayed in at the end of our US trip in May, which was truly terrible. I saw not only some of the worst service I've ever experienced but also some of the worst behaviour I've ever seen in people. (Especially B&B owners.)  Horrified, I checked into the Gramercy Park Hotel instead, which was like walking into a New York version of Heaven in comparison. Truly. I thought I'd crossed the Pearly Gates. The staff at Gramercy Park are famous for being some of the nicest hotel people in the world, and it showed. When I asked the doorman how they all coped with difficult guests – the VIPs and the celebrities and the cranky ones from nowhere – he simply smiled and said: "We win them over with kindness."

Don't you think that's lovely?

(NB The B&B refunded my money, all $700 of it.)


Here's another story. I was at the airport early this morning. My mother, who is the fittest person I know, came off an international flight in a wheelchair, an upsetting sight if ever there was one. She was dumped at the Arrivals Hall and the wheelchair was whisked away. Needless to say, we were all terribly upset. The elderly woman sitting next to her, who looked like she didn't have two cents to rub together, started crying at our predicament. After we'd finally found another wheelchair to take my mother to the carpark in, the woman graciously offered a hand. With tears in her eyes, she held the chair stable, and as we walked off, gave me a little wave, as if to say: Everything's going to be okay. It really made my day.

So this is my proposal to everyone who reads this blog. Be inspiring to someone today. Offer a hand. Be kind. Show you care. Don't bitch or moan but just be nice. I suspect most of you do anyway, but I just thought I'd reinforce the philosophy.


I try and inspire everyone I meet. I know my manners fall down (I still have dozens of emails to return), but I always try and do the right thing. Because it does come back to you eventually.


I once interviewed Heather Small of M People, whose song 'Proud' was such a significant part of the pre-Olympics' media. ("What have you done today to make you feel proud?") She confessed, in a rare show of pain, that she had felt depressed and even suicidal, for some time. This was Heather Small, one of the greatest singers of the Nineties. I always regretted that I didn't stop the interview and give her a hug, that I didn't show some compassion, anything, even a note afterwards telling her she was just so damn fine!

So this is my encouragement to everyone. Inspire someone today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Whenever you do, know this: it will mean a lot to them.

Go on. What have you done today to make you feel proud?

PS Heather, you are magnificent. Don't ever forget that.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEoxGJ79PMs   ( link )


 ~

"I suppose the thing I most would have liked to have known or been reassured about is that in the world, what counts more than talent, what counts more than energy or concentration or commitment, or anything else - is kindness. And the more in the world that you encounter kindness and cheerfulness - which is its kind of amiable uncle or aunt - the better the world always is. And all the big words: virtue, justice, truth - are dwarfed by the greatness of kindness." ~ Stephen Fry

 ~

28 comments:

  1. I'm shocked the airline was so callus - aren't those minicarts etc always buzzing around the airport supposed to assist in these situations?

    As for trolls, they are people who are either nasty and personality disordered (and there are plenty of people out there in this world like that), or they are unhappy and sad people who want to kick everyone down to their level. The whole Charlotte Dawson/ Twitter thing was interesting - while obviously the trolling on twitter of Charlotte was horrendous, she had cultivated an image on Australia's next top model of being, frankly, quite nasty and bullying the young teenagers she was judging. She seemed quite thick skinned - obviously not when it turned back on her.
    As for your mum - I am so very sorry to hear that she is not well. I hope that you find Australian medicine more helpful and that she is globe trotting once more in the near future. xx

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    1. I thought the Charlotte Dawson thing was interesting too Heide. She may have certainly incited them with her attitude on ANTP. And to be honest, I've never thought much of her. But nobody deserves the relentless vitriol she received. Nobody. I really felt for her.

      In saying that, I do think she needs to see a great counsellor and perhaps find a nice boyfriend to keep her balanced as well. Good partners are worth more than all the therapists in the world!

      Thanks for your kind comment. Mum is resting up well. xx

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  2. Hope your mum is on the mend.

    Meanwhile I am sick of trolls, bullies and people with no facial expression who can't even pretend to say please and thank you.

    I always wonder what these people would be like to live with and how they manage to raise healthy confident children. Especially worrying as children do what you do and mimic, not what you say.

    How you treat others says so much about your character.

    I always say, no one minds if you are sad or down, but they will mind if you take your moods out on them.

    It's a lack of discipline.x

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    1. Thank you Miss FF. I worry about their ability to be mothers too.

      I do like your philosophy on moods. I remember Oprah (not that I ever really watched her) once said: You are responsible for your own energy and mood when you walk into a room. Don't dump your negative thoughts or behaviour on others. (Or something to that effect. I'm sure she was much more eloquent!)
      xx

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  3. Hear, hear.....my children are in the process of being NOT very nice to each other (it's school hols and raining here and we have an interloper in our midst) so I'm going to take your advice and see if I can win them over with kindness rather than my usual reaction.......which scares the neighbours, I'm sure. This is a wonderful mantra to live by. Rx

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    1. I'm impressed Romy. But I suspect you'd be a great mother, even without the Kindness Rule.
      Hope the weather clears up soon. I'm sure the interloper loves being there with your children, even if he/she is adding more work to the mix.
      xx

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  4. I love your sentiments and especially love the Stephen Fry quote at the end of your post. It takes so little to be kind and so much energy to be mean and nasty. Here's to kindness...

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    1. Mr Stephen Fry is a gem, isn't he? Have you read his books? He's incredibly intelligent. Here's to kindness - and to you for leaving such a lovely comment.

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  5. Im sorry your mother is not well..and she survived the Hanoi hospital whihc must have been pretty frightening .

    A woman yelled at me on the bus today for not letting her get out..she was behind me and the bus was at a red light. She apologised but still..I also had bad day on Friday with people being rude also ..I work voluntarily at and am chairperson of a state funded free tenants centre and to be abused when we ask questions such as country to birth is sometimes too much. Janelle one day I'll lose it ..I really will..

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    1. Oh, that bus woman sounds horrendous smr! I'm sorry Friday was so horrible too. How awful for you. I hope the weekend was better.

      Your job sounds really interesting, and I'm so impressed that you're doing it on a voluntary basis. That alone is worth a clap. I think volunteers go largely unnoticed in our society. And yet they are the ones that keep the wheels going most of the time.

      I used to be very polite. I worked in the diplomatic service. Then I went into women's magazines and became a shallow, self-absorbed soul with no patience or compassion. I'm still fighting the aelf-absorption / introspection thing (a writer's worst fault), but the kindness does come back bit by bit. I'm sure you won't lose it. You're simply too nice a person. Take a deep breath and smile. Sometimes people are put off-guard by compassion and immediately weaken under the shock of being on the receiving end. It's like a blanket on a fire. X

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  6. Stephen Fry's quote hit home with me...my stand-out childhood memories are those of mean people, older children and adults
    I have encountered only a very few "kind" people in my life..and I have often wondered why.

    However, I am blessed with 3 wonderful children who truly have wonderful, kind and giving natures, and my friends, of quality not quantity.
    I too cannot understand mean-ness and unkindness, a smile, a hello, a thank you...doesn't take much effort, does it?

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    1. I think everyone has a little kindness in them, but society encourages us all to be negative and critical. It's difficult to fight it but I try! Your children sound lovely; they're obviously a credit to you. Thanks for the lovely comment Linda. I'm touched you dropped by. x

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  7. Dear Janelle

    So sorry to hear about your mother's accident. Hope she makes a speedy recovery and will be able to go on to more adventures in the future with your father.

    Totally agree with you on the importance of politeness and empathy and consideration for others - which is really what good manners are about. I'm so pleased that our son and daughter-in-law are working hard to teach their little girls good manners and kindness. When our first grand-daughter was younger and occasionally a bit jealous and annoyed by her younger sister I talked quietly to her about how important it was to be patient with her sister and to be kind to her, saying that her little sister would always be her friend all through their lives if she treated her with kindness and love.
    She really listened and although she sometimes forgets, I think it did make an impression and they mostly get along really well together and share spontaneous cuddles. They are both essentially very sweet natured gentle little girls. They just occasionally need to be reminded. But they're very fortunate as they grow up in a truly loving family with parents who are devoted to them but also focussed on teaching them polite and kind behaviour, including to their pets as well. Probably the trolls come from families that were lacking in love and kindness and have never developed empathy for others.

    My husband and I really dislike the lifestyle competition shows where people are eliminated one by one and where they are made to feel inferior and losers with quite cruel comments directed at them. We've watched such shows a couple of time but never again. There is enough sadness and misfortune in life without having to watch others' disappointments being set up and magnified in such a calculated and unpleasant way by the judges. The Germans have an expression for it: "schadenfreud" (not sure of spelling)- in other words, rejoicing in the misfortunes of others. There is really something seriously wrong with people who find pleasure in others' pain or who deliberately inflict pain on others. It's a rather alarming world that the children of today will be growing into. We worry for them about cyber bullying and other horrible things as they grow older. They are slowly learning how to deal with a few "mean" girls at school - and most importantly have nice friends who stick together in these situations. Best wishes, Pamela

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    1. Dear Pamela,

      Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comments, as always. And for your kind note about mum. Fingers crossed she'll be fine.

      Your granddaughters sound beautiful. But then, their grandmother is a rather fine woman herself.

      Cyber bullying is an awful thing. I'd worry if I had a daughter. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that keeping your dignity helps.

      Hope you're back up and walking / travelling again after the op!

      x

      I

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  8. What a fantastic post. Thank you. I'm one of those people who offer to help elderly, or short, people get things down from shelves in the supermarket. Occasionally my offer is met with suspicion but more often with a large smile and a thank you. I live in Sydney and people do seem to be a bit wary, but I always say hello to people when I'm out on my daily walks. I stop and talk to people working in their gardens. I am almost always met with a happy smile that someone has bothered to acknowledge them. I'm hoping that it's a matter of 'passing it on'. Maybe that grumpy looking person who I've just made acknowledge me with a smile and a greeting will do the same to someone else and the world, or my small part of it, will be a better place. I can only hope.

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  9. After telling you what a kind and nice person I am, I totally blew it by failing to add that I wish your mother a speedy recovery. I find it hard to believe that airline staff could be so callous. "Winning people over with kindness" is a fantastic approach if you can hold out for the really really bad ones. :)

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    1. I could tell you were a nice person straight away Maree! And I like it when people saying hello on walks. I'm always smiling at other dog walkers. Sometimes they'll stop and chat, and it often leads to the most unexpectedly lovely conversations. Gardeners are great have-a-chats too, don't you think? Do you stop and compliment people on their gardens too? My partner's always saying "Shhhh". But i don't listen to him. Thank you for taking the time to write. So nice to hear from you. x

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  10. I hope your mum is on the mend Janelle, I often wonder if graciousness and kindness have fallen by the wayside, its a bit sad isnt it, but if fight back with fabulous manners and kindness.x

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    1. Thank you so much Samantha. So kind of you to write. x

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  11. Courtesy is a tool.

    Probably the best. And easy.

    Garden & Be Well, XO T

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  12. From one who sometimes feels like they arrived in Heaven when arriving in a foreign city where just about every single person is nice...but then I read things on the internet or watch the news and see that where I am is sort of an anomaly.. the world just isn't very nice these days.
    And a lot of it , I am convinced, is because people get away with it.
    If someone was criticised instead of copied or praised for being a jerk, would so many people be proud of their bad behaviour/manners ?

    I am reblogging this .. it totally deserves being shared.
    Thank you for this .. a good reminder for everyone.

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  13. Nothing beats kindness and niceness (even though I am not enamoured with that word nice)Thankyou for the prompt! I hope your mother is on the mend - with a kind daughter like you everything is possible.

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  14. Yes, it makes you wonder. I try very hard not to let a bad day or people behaving badly make me respond in kind. I even try to be nicely say no to telemarketers (if they still persist I just hang up after saying no thanks). Once in a while I don't live up to my standards, but that is what each new day is for. As the Dalai Lama says, "my religion is kindness," a great saying I have on a bracelet, because isn't that what all religions should be.

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  15. JUST this afternoon I was telling my husband that what's really important to me is how kind a person is. I don't care how successful they are, what really impresses me is kindness." By the way...it's very kind of you to take the time to share so many beautiful images and stories with us. Thank you!

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  16. I like this quote from Marivaux: "In this world, you must be a bit too kind to be kind enough."

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  17. Beautiful post--I agree that kindness is often lacking in this world, and it's so wonderful when you come across some. Thanks for the challenge and the reminder!

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  18. great piece....i always said to my kids as they were growing up..."it takes just as much energy to say something kind to someone as to say something horrid...your choice! Just remember what the pay backs are for each".

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  19. Oh dear, I got very cranky on the phone this morning with someone who had promised me yesterday they would do something for me & then didn't. Most unlike me, now after reading this post I feel squirmy.

    Complain to the Airline concerned, I made a promise to myself this year that I would stop accepting bad service & start writing. So far this week it's been DJ's in my sights. I wasn't receiving any satisfaction until I uttered these magical words 'Oh & by the way, I'm a world famous blogger & have a blog post about this incident almost ready to publish.' Then it turned Monty Python-esque with executives running around in circles banging into each other trying to fix the issue. Sometimes one just has to take a few liberties & strettttttch the truth a little.
    Millie xx

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