Insights • Inspirations • Destinations • Design

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

How Not To Decorate (A Lesson)


I was originally going to call this post 'How To Decorate In A Day'. (Or a week.) But then I realised, with some consternation – and a small sigh of resignation – that I am a rubbish decorator. Truly. I am simply a journalist and an author. I wouldn't know how to position a cushion if you paid me to do a PhD in it.


Furthermore, with all of the turmoil of the past month (refer to post before previous one), including travelling overseas, moving house, band-aiding our family back together, and generally juggling writing, work projects and life, I haven't really had much time to think about colourways and creative spaces. In fact, I was so weary after 'decorating' our library (and I use that word loosely), that I thought about calling it a day on the interior design.

As such, our bedroom is still full of cardboard tea chests and liable to stay that way until we decide to move again. I did contemplate painting it navy, which would 'intimatise' the space (design code for making it sexier), but it's not a priority. So the aesthetic will remain 'tea-chest chic' for the moment. At least we'll have somewhere to sit. Even if we're not getting any.

So this is my warning to you all, dear readers. This is how NOT to decorate. And if you're a professional interior designer or architect, please look away now. Because the following images are liable to offend all of you with any taste. Or decency. Or indeed desire to declutter your lives. I can only apologise.



HOW NOT TO DECORATE: 
FIVE EASY STEPS


STEP ONE: Choose a colour palette and choose it quickly. I plucked out this Parisian green shade, called 'Blade', at Porter's Paints five minutes before closing time last Friday night. It looked pretty. Like Paris' Palais Royal gardens in spring. Or Ladurée's signature green boxes. It even seemed to be the same as the cover of my first bestseller La Vie Parisienne. Surely a good sign? "It'll do," I said nervously to the Porter's Paints girl. "Are you sure?" she said, questioning my judgement (and perhaps my sanity). I looked at the hundreds of other colours and felt slightly faint at the prospect of picking one. "I think so," I replied, and shrugged. That's when I knew I wasn't really a decorator. A decorator would never be this blasé.


That weekend, I slapped two coats on our new library. "What do you think?" I asked RR. "It's very green," he said in his typically understated way. (And yes, I know a great many of you abhor green. That's okay. It's not for everyone, I know.)


Here's where I painted around a big spider. This is called Arachnid Decorating.


STEP TWO: Find fabrics to match. Now 'real' decorators (professionals) don't believe in being too 'matchy-matchy'. Apparently, it's amateurish. Well, in Magazine Land we were taught that if you wanted a stylish cover you never used more than two colours, three at most. I'm going to stick with matchy-matchy, I'm afraid. Real designers, please look away, because I don't know how to decorate any other way. (And yes, I know French ticking is passé. But I love these monogrammed cushions. Perhaps nobody will notice?)


STEP THREE: Find the cheapest furniture this side of a Hard Rubbish Collection. After a month in the US and a new mortgage, we couldn't afford Moooi or Fornasetti (my favourite brands), or any other dazzling piece. So I went looking for a bargain. Fortunately, it's the end of the financial year, so places like Town & Country are having 50%-off sales. I nabbed a beautiful black library for half price. (Tax time. I tell you, it's the best time to decorate!) It was still expensive, but I wanted something to 'anchor' the room, and this handsome piece was begging to be taken home. No, not the Brazilian delivery guy. The library.


STEP FOUR: Pull out the sewing machine. My mother kindly loaned me her new sewing machine a few years ago. I haven't returned it. It's been the most useful thing in our lives since the blender. Last week, desperate to finish decorating, I whipped up some covers for a few ottomans. Slip covers. I tell you. They're the best thing ever. This was made with a remnant of Ralph Lauren pinstripe. (NB Professional decorators, please don't look too closely. There's no piping. And the ends aren't tied off.)


STEP FIVE: If in doubt, fill the room with books. The problem, is, we always forget to hide the trashy reads. We file the Fifty Shades of Grey next to the Graham Greene.



STEP SIX: Create a welcoming bar in the corner, so you can offer guests a drink upon arrival. I pinched this idea from Bunny Williams' guest house. I was in awe of her guest bar: an enormous antique table FILLED with top-shelf spirits that was conveniently placed within a few feet of the front door. "I'd like to emulate that!" I thought. But there were a few problems. I didn't have an antique sideboard. OR the budget for Chateau Lafitte. So we just have water. Or water.


STEP SEVEN: Always have a vase of flowers to scent the room. Dead tulips, such as these (above), are not recommended.


STEP EIGHT: Throw a throw or three around. They offer 'visual warmth'. Unfortunately, they're usually just for show. If guests are cold in our house, they're told to go and put a sweater on.


STEP NINE: Stack the sofa with cushions, so guests can't sit down. This discourages them from lingering too long.


STEP TEN: Clutter away. Clutter like your life depends on it. This is our entrance library before we moved in. (The furniture is the former owner's. I'm not a black leather kinda gal.) 

And this is our entrance library after...

No wonder my mother was horrified.


{Terrible photography. Had to use an old point-and-click as my SLR is dying. I think it's horrified by the interior design too.)


And lastly, a gratuitous shot of our just-washed puppies. Just because...


And one more of my study. Yes, more clutter here, I'm afraid. I need Faux Fuchsia to come and work her magic. But at least it's not green.



32 comments:

  1. Hello!

    You are insane- it all looks wonderful! I luff what you've done with the library. I follow the Wallis Simpson rules- mirrors, cushions, forchids, ginger jars, throws (definitely NOT for use) candles and lamps. That's it.

    I make all my choices in split seconds. I chose the orange paint for my side board in about a second flat.

    It looks fab- well done. x PS luff the doggies

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  2. Thank you beautiful. So lovely to hear someone else decorates in a spontaneous fashion as well!

    Oh - and to anyone who thought this post was serious, it's really tongue-in-cheek. We do love having guests. Although I AM nervous now that our house is going to scare them away!

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  3. Be careful, I'm the one with the nutty blog.
    Millie xx
    P.S. Ralph's PA will be in contact soon, they are looking for another slip-cover stitcher-upperer.

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    1. Millie, I coud NEVER be as funny as The Laurel Hedge. x

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  4. I think your new home looks fab....I love green! Spontaneity in decorating is a gift, take it from someone for whom it took years & years to furnish the lounge room....I had to wait for every second hand bargain to come up at auction......and then bid on it. I admire your decision making and your use of a sewing machine! Rx

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    1. Oh, I'm with you Romy. I'm a bargain hunter too. You'd never know it but most of the things in this room are under $100. The only investment was the library. The rest has all been stiched together/painted/whacked together with nails. My frugal mother feels that we spend too much on interior design, but if she only knew how much we saved... We even re-use old frames bought in op shops, and repaint old tables found in the Hard Rubbish. (They were our neighbour's; they said we could!)

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    2. PS Romy, I'm impressed that you are a frugal decorator too!

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  5. Looks fabulous - and am very envious of your space for a library. Love the green...only wish I was confident enough to decorate with a bold colour myself. And I have to admit to being a fan of the monogrammed ticking cushion (fits well within my favoured neutral palate).

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    1. Thanks for the kind comment Annie, and for dropping by. We really didn't have a library. This was a formal room. But it was odd the way you just walked in the door and suddenly you were in a cavernous room! I saw an entrance library like this in a house in South Yarra, Melbourne, and thought it was a great idea. It 'softens' the entrance to a place. Although my father asked if there was going to be a stern librarian with spectacles seated behind a desk somewhere...!

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  6. Janelle,
    Enjoyed the tongue in cheek approach!

    This is the kind of decorating I relate to, it has spontaneity and personality and clearly includes things you love. Also I've fallen for the colour of the green wall! Don't understand aversion to - or fear of green (especially this wonderful hue) - it's one of nature's happiest colours.

    Some of the room spreads in the glossies leave me cold, particularly but not only the minimalist ones: they're so perfectly styled (and usually so so symmetrical and neutral) but they have no personality or soul and no warmth or originality. One would be afraid to sit in a chair or move a book. Your library would be a delight to enter, to explore and to relax in. There are so many wonderful layers of beautiful and interesting things that your guests will enjoy taking the time to gaze at, absorb and admire. Congratulations and best wishes, Pamela

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    1. That's so kind of you Pamela. Do hope you're happy to be home after such a wonderful world trip!

      I'm shy of those minimalist spaces too. And I can't understand people who don't a) have books, or b) put them in their rooms. We like books, and we like having them where people can pick them up. (And they do! The Brazilian delivery guys were here for an hour flicking through architecture tomes. I got very nervous in the end as I was paying them by the hour!)

      Thanks again. So lovely to hear from you, as always.

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    2. Yes, happy to be home, though it's been really cold!
      Discovered the knee injury is worse than GP thought: orthopod says in addition to seriously torn meniscus there is partial tear of the anterior cruciate ligament (a common football/ ski injury!). So I'm very thankful I was able to hobble around for so long when we were away, even slowly up the butte de Montmartre. Having an arthroscopy to "clean-up" the meniscus soon. We're hoping I can delay a full reconstruction or replacement for some time yet.
      Problem with having so many books is they tend to crowd us out and take over. They're breeding in every room of the house! Stacks of them. Since returning home (with yet more books) have been sorting through collections for donations to give Op. Shops. Have promised husband will buy no more until I've given a lot away (though not his books of course!).
      So interesting to learn more about "Picnic" and to hear about JL's identification with Sara. Look forward to reading your book when finished. Best wishes, Pamela

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  7. Yes green unlucky for sailors and gamblers I've heard.

    Your decorating looks fine to me, I love ticking.

    I don't like contrasting piping that I see in alot of merican rooms and on furniture come to that..

    You cant decorate? look at all those black and white books togehter v clever

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    1. I've heard it's bad because the it's the fairies' colour, and they don't like people using it. Not quite sure if that's a urban / woodland myth, but I'm hoping there are no fairies around here to prove it! (Although there could be a few human ones in the very camp house down the road.)

      Thanks for the lovely comment. I like some piping, but it's too hard to do. Who has time to do piping?!!

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  8. What an incredible transformation! Looks fab!

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    1. Thank you Kate. That's very kind.

      I didn't show the rest of the house as people would be gaping open-mouthed into their coffee cups. (The rest of the house is even MORE cluttered, but with moving boxes. It's a wonder we can even get OUT of the house at times!)

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  9. I love it Janelle.. I want to dash out and buy some blade as well from Porters.. but I dont have your stunning black cane chairs.. and your pazazz.. well done! x j

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    1. Oh, thank you, but I think it's the Blade colour that's done it. It's such a vibrant green. Just about to reply to your lovely email now!

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  10. Looks stunning you have great style

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    1. So nice to hear from another Janelle! Thank you for popping by. And the lovely comment.

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  11. Gosh, Janelle. I wouldn't have recognised it as the same place! Sounds like things are getting better You have a had a few upheavals but are clearly getting on top of things. Loved the post. x

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    1. I'm worried the room looked better in the 'before' photos! Thanks for your support. I think we'll be fine. There are no issues that a bit of decorating can't fix. x

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  12. I love the green with the black and white. And guess what, who needs to follow rules? It looks great!
    xo
    Sharon

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    1. Thanks Sharon. Green with black and white is always a good combo. It's classic. And we love classic around here.

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  13. Janelle, you are far too modest. The rooms look amazing. I think good interior design is pretty innate, and that you can go to University/ Design School and learn "the rules" but you still won't be able to apply them successfully. There are a lot of great Interior Designers out there who have had no formal training. While you might not have been to design school, you definitely have the knack. I love the way you use colour xx

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  14. Thanks so much Heide. That means a lot to me coming from someone so stylish.

    And I laughed at your comments re my cryptic post about Picnic. The truth is, Joan Lindsay really identified with little Sara. JL came from a wealthy, middle-class Edwardian family; large house, lots of servants, father who was a judge, grandfather who was a governor general, etc. But then she married into the bohemian, artistic Lindsay family, and from then on struggled to have any real money for the rest of her life. It was always a great sadness to her that she could never even afford more than a housekeeper and a driver/gardener. I think she understood the great divide that separates the rich and poor, and tried to write about it in Picnic. Ironically, Picnic made millions for its publisher(s), but she never saw much of that at all. She wasn't poor when she died, but she wasn't as rich as she should have been. She once admitted that Sara was her favourite character, and I think she based her (partly) on herself.

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  15. Well what a talent to take a cold bland room and over a weekend turn it into a warm, comfortable, welcoming space!!! Unpack the boxes, you need to make room for me I am coming to stay... its all looks so inviting!
    All we did at the weekend was paint the kitchen!!!!
    xx

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  16. Stunning what an eye you have, you could also be an interior designer.

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  17. I had to come back to stare at this again, I think it's just incredible, I adore your style, you are too too talented - nop we can't be friends, I'd be green with envy all the time.

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  18. What a marvellous transformation. You really have the "it" factor in the interior design stakes. You have taken bland and safe to "oh wow" and welcoming.
    of course, I love the photo of the pups looking ever so winsome.

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  19. Oh Sweetheart. No rubbish decorator sighted - sorry! I adore the green. Tell me, how did you find Porters Paints? I'm pondering whether to save up for some for our kitchen as they have the most divine selection of colours. But they're pricey. I love the way FF managed to comment first as well ☺. J x

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  20. It's gorgeous and inviting. 'Wish I had your knack! I just found your blog in a funny way - my 15 year old son left his tumbler page open on the family computer when I spied a very pretty place among the shocking images- turned out to be Le Musee Carnavelet (which I have visited and agree with your estimation 100%)....and I just kept following links to you. Serendipitous!

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